Six months have passed...

Since we lost my mom, and I keep feeling like she's coming back. Like I've gone long enough without having her around and God's going to just give her back. Sounds crazy... doesn't it? I feel crazy sometimes. I miss her more than I ever knew would be possible. I'm glad for her that she's in heaven, in the presence of our Lord, but selfishly, I really wish she was still here, with me.

There are restaurants that we "always" used to go to, and when I drive by them, I feel so sad that we won't ever get to go there again, together. I used to take her to the doctor about every other week, and even driving down that road, I get sad. She hated having to go to the doctor so much, and get her blood count checked, but we always enjoyed our time together, so I even miss those doctor appointments.

We had our annual SuperBowl party Sunday evening, and it's the first time in as long as I can remember that she wasn't over here pigging out with the rest of us on more food than we could possibly eat in one evening.

Three of my children have had birthday's since she passed, and my hubby's was yesterday. I don't like that we have to go on without her here to celebrate with us. I cried a lot yesterday. My sweet 7 year old, (even though I had yelled at him just about all morning because for some reason, he can't remember any of his addition facts) - came into my room while I was sobbing, looked at me, and said "I miss her, too." I know he does, and he's going to miss out on her the most, as he's the youngest. My oldest kids will be able to look back at so many years of memories with her, but my little guy only got 6 years with her. It's hard to remember stuff that happened when you were that young. I don't want him to not have memories of her when he's older. It just makes me so sad for him.

I know that God has our days numbered, and that he has a plan for each one of us, and I really believe that He took her home when it was her time, but I have so many thoughts in my head, all the "what if's" that I have such a hard time with. "What if I hadn't told her she needed to have the surgery?" "What if I'd insisted they keep her in the hospital another day after the surgery was done?" "What if I'd been with her when she said she felt she was going to die?" I have to force myself to remember God's in charge and it was His decision, not mine, that brought her home to Him.

I wish I could dream about her. At least I'd feel like I got to spend a little more time with her. There are days when I feel really sorry for myself, as I'm the baby of the family and I think things like "my brother got to have her for 58 years", "my sister got to have her for 51 years" and "I only got to have her for 41 years, and it's not enough!". Man, I'm a mess!

I am so thankful that I treasured the time I did get to spend with her. Living only a mile a way from my parents was the blessing to all of us that I knew it would be when we bought this house 19 years ago. We DID spend a lot of time together. I DID make her a priority. She DID know how much I loved her. My kids DID share their life with her. She WAS the best mom I could have had, and I told her that time and again. I believe she's in heaven cheering us on, loving us from above and patiently waiting for us to join her. That is the blessing... I will see her again. And, she's enjoying this time with the family that preceeded her to heaven. Her baby sister that she never got to see grow up, her parents that she lost before I was ever born, her three brothers that she just adored. And our Jesus, that cared for her and about her since God first thought her into being. If I could just stay focused on everything I just wrote in this paragraph, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess!

Well, it's time to get started with our school day. I'm grateful that I had a place to express all that I've been feeling, here on this blog. I'm sure it will be something I'll come back to and read occasionally. Thanks for letting me share my heart about my mom.

Have a Blessed Day in your Homeschool!